Chips & dip.

The light is out in my bedroom, no electricity or anything. I was planning to enjoy this time to start working on my portfolio for the FIT admissions, but no. My boyfriend has some friends over to watch the Giants game so I’m here watching too. I have so much to do for my portfolio. Things like this make me wonder if I’m talented enough. If I really can see my self standing outside of a window on 5th, completely content because it was MY vision that was executed. I’m so hard on my self. I want so much, but time is moving so fast. If I don’t get into FIT I’ll be devastated. I need my AA in Visual/Exhibition design. That’s like a 20k difference in salary.
Ah, man.

I don’t understand my self most of the time.
I’m fed up with everything. People tell me I should stay at my job because I get paid sooooo muchhh to do nothing. Well, that shit sucks. I don’t want to get paid to be a drone. My time is valuable. I stayed at uniqlo getting 10$ an hour, doing work of some one who gets 14-15, because everyday I learned something new. Everyday on the visual team was a challenge. An explanation. I had to stay on my toes and push my self. I move to tommy where I get paid more money than I would ever at uniqlo, doing nothing. Doing pointless drone shit. I hate that. I want to learn. I want to prosper. I want a store to be mine by 23. I want to be a creative director ASAP. And I can’t at tommy so I’m wasting my time. Yet I’m the dumb one for trying to find a new job.
My biggest fear is to be a failure. To never let my dreams come true. To have to struggle to make ends meet. I want to spoil my kids, live in an apartment, and have a house upstate. A car to take my kids to school. I want so much and I already have everything planned out.
I’m tired of disappointing everyone. I’m a disappointment to my father. My sister, my brother. I disappoint my boyfriend when I can’t get over little things.
My mother today told me I’m not responsible. I know she means it because I visit her only 5 times a week or so. I’m a horrible daughter and I’ve heard it plenty enough. I try to be responsible. I work as much as I can. Im starting school again. I try to pay as many bills as I can. But, yo. I’m only 20. This is exhausting.
Every thing I do, I always think “that could be better.” I’m never happy with anything. What’s wrong with me? Ugh.
I just wish I was a person that was social, and had friends, and had good relationships at work, and didn’t get mad at my boyfriend so easily. I wish I had the chance to be young and irresponsible.
Blah. I’m a mess.